Character

I want to change my character. My integrity, my honesety, my chivalry, all those things that make me good, wholesome, pure and right. I know I'm judgemental...more so then many contemporary counter parts. I judge myself, my friends, my family, women, and just about everyone and thing I see. I keep wishing for wanting, and lusting after a relationship, but I only want it if she's beautiful, which I will admit mostly means physically beautiful. Don't get me wrong I carry extremely high standards for her personality, and who she is, I'm not chomping at the bit just for any attractive girl...I've met plenty and had all intrigue killed by their personality. What gets me is that I've equally met many girls with great personalities but am unwilling to pursue because of their physical characteristics.....I want all of this to change...not just "O yeah I wanna look past physicalness" or be able to say "her personality is all I care about" but I want to get over women in general. I'm tired of sitting here thinking about it. I want to not care. To sit at my job working Mathews Hall front desk, and not look up when women walk into the room. Not check them out when they pass by, not wonder or long for a relationship with one of them...but just have them go unnoticed, give no attention to anyone of them. I'm tired of looking at them for only a small portion of who they are...of worrying about when "she" will show up or if she will, and wondering if I should try, or say anything at all to any of them. I just want to be done. I want to be quiet, shy, humble, open doors for people, do the little things that nobody notices, but everybody likes, I want to stop caring about how I look and trying to impress every girl. I'm tired of working out everyday, and feeling like crap because I haven't lost enough weight, or don't look good in a shirt, or atleast feel that that beautiful girl over there surely wouldn't find me attractive in it. The shallowness hurts...it takes me out...kills...The lie thats been given to me is that if I only looked right, looked skinny, young-hip professional, like a gap model...and carried confidence, charm and personality that women would like me. If only I was nice enough, cute enough, and adorable someone would latch on...but that all is a lie. To treat a woman like a reward, and do things to win the prize is wrong...backwards...upside down...which makes me want to be done with it all...I just want to be authentic...to have character...to be true, real, honest, pure, innocent, humble, unnoticed...and alone..which scares me the most...but atleast the problems would be gone...the pain...the rejection...and all that kills...and I could clear my head of the junk.