Oct 14 2007

I feel like a drop of oil in a sea of water. I'm not part of my surroundings. I have friends, lots of friends, lots of people I know, lots of people that think I'm alright. But I'm not like them. I went to Oasis tonight and it was full of people I'm not like. Songs, Worship, and praise that I'm not like. I don't fit...I'm separated. This bogus thing we call "faith" and "worship" and "praise" and "reality" and "authenticity" and "Jesus" I just don't buy anymore. All of this is just one big drama. One massive play, to make ourselves feel we've worshiped, feel we've come to God, feel we've begun to take the time to understand, listen, reflect, and become whole. I'm not whole. I'm a drop of oil, in water. How whole can that be? I feel empty, hurt, and depressed...or I want to. I want to be broken, I want to give up. Where does this come from? My life will/could be great, I can be a good engineer. I can get a job, money, a home, a car, a family, but it is not enough. It's not great, its not Godly without God. The vision of the American church is 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, a happy respectful family, one thats in church, pot lucks, cordialness, awful niceness, it isn't real. It has never been real. It's only been an emerging market for WWJD bracelets, pink bibles, catchy music, and rock concerts. I thought tonight as I stood at Oasis, that uneventful, boring, repetitive, chanted, ritualistic worship makes so much more sense. This kind of worship comes for God, This kind of worship comes for obedience, This kind of worship comes for love, This kind of worship comes with disregard for self. Together we worship, Together we pray, Together we fight, Together we love. This is community. Who cares if the lights are off, candles lit, if the "atmosphere" is right. This kind of worship worships God, they way he asked, with heart, with reality, with authenticity because like God it remains the same. Reality is so simple and boring sometimes. We are what we are, and we aren't what we aren't. Reality is so Righteous we'd rather not face it. Why face the fact that I struggle with alcohol, sex, drugs, anger. It's so much easier to go the rock concert, get emotional, cry, feel healed, and walk out and be the same. It's so easy to preach healing, to tell everybody you had an "experience" then it is to actually go out and experience something. It requires you pay attention. It requires you look, rather then overlook.
This week has burnt me out. I"m tired and done. I just don't care anymore, I just don't care. The drama of girls, the bull of the protestant faith. Nobody cares about balance. Nobody cares about fixing their life. I'm here writing right now because I want to be fixed. I want to start getting balance. To apologize too all that I've failed. If it takes 15 mins a day to write, to publish my life to God, to myself, to reflect upon, to balance to stare reality in the face; how could I not do it? I need to pray, I need to spend time reading scripture, every day. I need to uphold every responsibility of mine ASAP, every homework assignment get done, every meeting, every job, every task, done as best as I can as soon as I can. No procrastinating, no laziness, every day. I need to workout, take care of my body, eat healthily, shower, shave, be clean, every day. These few things only take a small portion of time, 5 seconds here, 2 decisions there, but they make life so much more simply, balanced, whole. I need them. I need them because they are reality, and they are righteous things to do, and they are holy, and they are Godly, and they require discipline, obedience and love. We forget that responsibility, doing whats right, being honest, loving, working hard, are truth, are good and right and deserve our attention. These are Reality, These are God, These make you alive. They bring order to chaos, they keep us paying attention, they don't let us slip from the road, they don't lead us into ditches. We have to be there to perform them, we're paying attention. I don't want the front of happiness, wholeness, of healing. I don't want the "experience" of it. I actually want it. I actually want wholeness. It's these little things, all little things, the basic things of life that make it spiritual. Brushing my teeth, doing my homework, cleaning my room, talking to my roommates, celebrating, sorrowing, quietness, playing catch, making lists, working, sweating, saying prayers. If you really want it please take it, in all the little things, start fixing them. Take the time to stop swearing, stop smoking, eat an apple, make your bed, pick up trash, finish your homework, work hard, enjoy your friends, all the little things you never do....do them. You'll feel better. You won't worry so much. Big things will fall into place. Things that matter. If you handle a few coins well, many will be given to your trust. Start somewhere...with just one small thing. Put your shoes away, take out the trash, stop eating that junk. Write a journal. Stop, sit, think. Anything....it all matters, its all spiritual, it all counts.