Nostalgia

I have to admit I found this on another much more famous bloggers site, but found a lot of humor in it....does anybod remember the great economic turmoil of 2004? I actually once watched a Nightly News Story on this by Dan Rather, poor Dan where did those dirty libs take you...only you reported the true problems of the Bush Admin, like off shoring....er...wait....

http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/business/16722848.htm

Freedom of the Nerds

I am finally giving up.....funny this sounds similar to the last post....well to all my crazy fans...(read me) it is...and!!!!! it isn't......I am finally going to admit it. I am a nerd. Waking up every morning, pretending to be that which I am not has failed me. I want freedom....real freedom...freedom that last more than a min, a hour, a day or week....freedom that never ends...and I can't get it trying to be what I'm not....so I am admitting I'm a nerd...and I like it...a lot...now I'm no gamer, but I do listen to Jazz music, write on a blog, like math, science, and questioned bringing my K'nex collection to school, I really don't want to grow up, I enjoy the occasional Techno Beat, I become addicted to video games and have spent weekends playing Halo, Warcraft and Age of Empires, I built my own computer, I've grown quite fond of country music...I dance and sing in my room when I'm alone...and sometimes when people are around, I make nerdy jokes, I don't really party, I want to do well in school so I can work in a cool job with Physics, or something cutting edge, robots are neat, I read philosphy books (I know this one is a killer), I like gap clothes especially those that reflect styles of the 1930's -1950's, I'm pretty sure I'd wear dress clothes more often than jeans...maybe...(the fact that I question this is whats really nerdy) and I really wish I had classes sometimes, I enjoy learning, Within a timeframe of a single word conversation I will have said "did you know....blank.." in my mind, Politics are cool, my friends think I should have a pocket protector, I make lists (this one is for sure a killer), in my dorm room my desk area reflects a cubical, I perfer clean stuff, I want glasses, I buy things because they have zippers, pockets and rather shiney stuff, I really like shoes, my computer has TWO count um TWO cd burners, my friends I have to admit are nerds as well, I like art, I can't draw or paint or really do anything that requires true artistic talent, I like machines, I hide all the nerdy things about myself to try and be cool, only real nerds think coolness still matters, and I just can't do it, its so much better being who you are, and guess what?... its freeing, I don't have to make excuses for who I am...I can be me...just me...no need for all the things like "relationships" (read below) to validate myself, no need for cool clothes, no need for lust, I just want to be comfortable, content and free.

Character

I want to change my character. My integrity, my honesety, my chivalry, all those things that make me good, wholesome, pure and right. I know I'm judgemental...more so then many contemporary counter parts. I judge myself, my friends, my family, women, and just about everyone and thing I see. I keep wishing for wanting, and lusting after a relationship, but I only want it if she's beautiful, which I will admit mostly means physically beautiful. Don't get me wrong I carry extremely high standards for her personality, and who she is, I'm not chomping at the bit just for any attractive girl...I've met plenty and had all intrigue killed by their personality. What gets me is that I've equally met many girls with great personalities but am unwilling to pursue because of their physical characteristics.....I want all of this to change...not just "O yeah I wanna look past physicalness" or be able to say "her personality is all I care about" but I want to get over women in general. I'm tired of sitting here thinking about it. I want to not care. To sit at my job working Mathews Hall front desk, and not look up when women walk into the room. Not check them out when they pass by, not wonder or long for a relationship with one of them...but just have them go unnoticed, give no attention to anyone of them. I'm tired of looking at them for only a small portion of who they are...of worrying about when "she" will show up or if she will, and wondering if I should try, or say anything at all to any of them. I just want to be done. I want to be quiet, shy, humble, open doors for people, do the little things that nobody notices, but everybody likes, I want to stop caring about how I look and trying to impress every girl. I'm tired of working out everyday, and feeling like crap because I haven't lost enough weight, or don't look good in a shirt, or atleast feel that that beautiful girl over there surely wouldn't find me attractive in it. The shallowness hurts...it takes me out...kills...The lie thats been given to me is that if I only looked right, looked skinny, young-hip professional, like a gap model...and carried confidence, charm and personality that women would like me. If only I was nice enough, cute enough, and adorable someone would latch on...but that all is a lie. To treat a woman like a reward, and do things to win the prize is wrong...backwards...upside down...which makes me want to be done with it all...I just want to be authentic...to have character...to be true, real, honest, pure, innocent, humble, unnoticed...and alone..which scares me the most...but atleast the problems would be gone...the pain...the rejection...and all that kills...and I could clear my head of the junk.