Goodness

So I'm College Student, and being in college has been a crazy time. Tons of knowledge, has just been thrown in my face the last couple of years. So many good ideas have been planted where once, I can honestly say there wasn't much, maybe....maybe...even nothing. It's crazy how much a person can take in and learn. How fast these ideas come, grow and go. The way just one good idea can grab hold of someone, impassion them, push them, excite them. An abundance of growth.

I just became an Uncle nearly a year ago. My Brother and his wife had a beautiful baby boy. Right now he seems to be the most important person in our family, and honestly he deserves it. He's crazy, he's so blank, empty, ready to absorb, and learn, theres just nothingness there waiting to be filled with very goodness. Anyway, because of my association with my nephew (Favorite Uncle) I often get opportunities to hang out and play with him. Its amazing to watch him play. You can see his learning in his eyes. The other day we were playing with wooden blocks, and I kept stacking um up. He'd knock them down. As I sat there re-stacking blocks, I'd look at him and repeat "block, block, block" and he's eyes would just light. He sat there, watching my mouth, analyzing every movement, thinking.

I could tell he was getting it.

It was like that moment when you could tell he looked at something and just knew what it was..."block, block." It wasn't enough for him though, he started staring at me, and trying to say it back....it was so cute. All he could get out was the "ck" sound. I don't think he quite got the tongue movement, so its was "chk", "chk", "chk." The idea was growing.

It had to grow, its not good enough for it to be left alone. Its gotta go, its gotta grow. One good idea, just going. The identification wasn't enough, he had to say it, he had to build with it, he had to play with it, he had to do the best ever possible with it.

It had to be excellent. There was no saying no to it.

We Play this game with him. We were all amazed at how fast he was growing from the time he was born. We'd grab both his hands, and hold them way up in the air. Always saying "How big is Aidan"..."SO BIG!" Now that he's older, the idea has grown. We've taught him that its good, it makes him laugh. We look at him, say "Aidian?" "How big are you?" Immediately the hands go up and he smiles, and giggles. He knows, he learned something. Were once nothing was, something is. Its amazing. And he knows he can't let it be, he has to respond to the idea. "How big are you?" Its a call, he has to raise his hands, he knows its right, and it gets more right, and greater every time he does it. That one good idea, that one seed falling down and just shooting up, all the way to the top. Its a burning, something has to be done, a choice has to be made.

He can't just be satisfied with sitting, He see's us move, he has to crawl, and crawling isn't enough he see's us walking, he has to walk. That one good idea just going, going, and gone. He has to follow it, it calls him out, it makes him more perfect, more right, more good. It burns at him to be better.

Being in college I know just how he feels. I've got this burning in me too. I can't handle just being an average engineer. I want to do great things. Someone in my life planted an idea. One good idea, infact one very good idea. I have to do something great, for people, for life, because I just have too. I can't leave the idea alone, I can't deny it. I have to invent, to do something creative, cutting edge, ingenious. I hope I'm not the only one with this feeling. I'm sure many kids and people in life would feel the same way too, just about other things. Some may be fine with having average jobs, or no jobs, and being stay at home parents. But they know its good to raise their children right, and they just can't let that idea die. They have to be the best parents, excellent parents, perfect parents. They wanna make their children right, strong and true. Its like you get the idea that you wanna help feed your struggling neighbor, but the idea just can't be stopped there. There's this extra call, the idea grows, "how bout feeding the homeless in the town" the idea says. Then it moves to the state, the country and eventually the world. It impassions you. You can't just pick up the one piece of trash someone leaves. Something burns at you to pick up every single piece of trash you can find, the idea grows. The idea takes you on a journey, a dream. Once you know its good, once you know its right the dream just goes. It has too. And sometimes its tough, I've got school, classes, homework, I can't spend my whole day picking up trash, but something says "why not?"

But I can't, I say no, I choose to not follow the idea, to not let it take me to greatness, I stop short. I can't. I don't have time...I have school....I'm tired...It'll never work...I say no to the dream...and it dies.

It reminds me of the story of Creation.

It starts out with God the spirit, and The spirit hovers over the water, over the chaos, the void the nothingness, the not God there. And God creates this light, this light he calls good. This light of goodness. And the rest of creation is drawn up, one idea after another, one good idea, one very good idea after another, and placed in the light. And things just can't be just good. They have to be better, the ideas grow. The trees create more trees, the waters and land bring forth plants, animals, birds, the ideas just go. You can't stop um. And finally Adam and Eve are created. And the language changes, they're not just good ideas, they're very good. Its like all of creation is this ball on a track, and its just racing down hill, racing as fact as it can into more and more goodness, more and more from the darkness, from the nothingness, into something, into the light. Nothingness to light. Its not wonder the author continues to repeat "evening then morning, Evening then morning." Dark then light, dark then light. This beautiful image of very goodness becomes more perfect everyday. Crazy, It's inside us, everyday. Goodness growing, one right thing, and something burns for more righteousness, more excellence, the best we have to offer. Everything saying yes to God, YES TO GOD!

But the story continues, this crazy race, the ball's rolling, and what happens. Eve, she stops in the middle of the garden, around a tree, and what's she say..."no....no God...I choose nothingness...its easier...I choose death...I choose to be nothing."

Eve bites the apple. Adam does too. The dream starts to die, the whole thing gets confused. Its like the ball hits a fork in the track and part of it knows the answer, it knows which way is very good, One goes up, one goes down, and we get confused. This knew knowledge of good and evil confuses us, and we say "no...God...I can't pick it all up...I chose to be nothing." I'm reminded it of it every day. I choose it, I could be great, I could be very good, I could be perfect...and I'd rather be nothing. All of us at some point choose to be nothing. Why? Why's it so much harder to say yes.

It's a stupid dream, just a good idea, it still burns, but less and less everyday. Goodness gets lost. That one idea, one dream, that goodness is fading.

I pray that my nephew Aidan never says no. With all I am I want him to say yes, its not good enough to just be nothing, its not good enough to just be good enough, we've gotta say yes to God and be excellent, and grow into perfectness. We can't just spend the rest of our lives crawling, we have to stand, we can't just spend the rest of our lives knowing what a block is, we have to say it, we have to build. I pray that one day you will build, that you and I both won't say no, but choose to grow, to let that very goodness in us take us back to God.

Amen.

Oct 14 2007

I feel like a drop of oil in a sea of water. I'm not part of my surroundings. I have friends, lots of friends, lots of people I know, lots of people that think I'm alright. But I'm not like them. I went to Oasis tonight and it was full of people I'm not like. Songs, Worship, and praise that I'm not like. I don't fit...I'm separated. This bogus thing we call "faith" and "worship" and "praise" and "reality" and "authenticity" and "Jesus" I just don't buy anymore. All of this is just one big drama. One massive play, to make ourselves feel we've worshiped, feel we've come to God, feel we've begun to take the time to understand, listen, reflect, and become whole. I'm not whole. I'm a drop of oil, in water. How whole can that be? I feel empty, hurt, and depressed...or I want to. I want to be broken, I want to give up. Where does this come from? My life will/could be great, I can be a good engineer. I can get a job, money, a home, a car, a family, but it is not enough. It's not great, its not Godly without God. The vision of the American church is 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, a happy respectful family, one thats in church, pot lucks, cordialness, awful niceness, it isn't real. It has never been real. It's only been an emerging market for WWJD bracelets, pink bibles, catchy music, and rock concerts. I thought tonight as I stood at Oasis, that uneventful, boring, repetitive, chanted, ritualistic worship makes so much more sense. This kind of worship comes for God, This kind of worship comes for obedience, This kind of worship comes for love, This kind of worship comes with disregard for self. Together we worship, Together we pray, Together we fight, Together we love. This is community. Who cares if the lights are off, candles lit, if the "atmosphere" is right. This kind of worship worships God, they way he asked, with heart, with reality, with authenticity because like God it remains the same. Reality is so simple and boring sometimes. We are what we are, and we aren't what we aren't. Reality is so Righteous we'd rather not face it. Why face the fact that I struggle with alcohol, sex, drugs, anger. It's so much easier to go the rock concert, get emotional, cry, feel healed, and walk out and be the same. It's so easy to preach healing, to tell everybody you had an "experience" then it is to actually go out and experience something. It requires you pay attention. It requires you look, rather then overlook.
This week has burnt me out. I"m tired and done. I just don't care anymore, I just don't care. The drama of girls, the bull of the protestant faith. Nobody cares about balance. Nobody cares about fixing their life. I'm here writing right now because I want to be fixed. I want to start getting balance. To apologize too all that I've failed. If it takes 15 mins a day to write, to publish my life to God, to myself, to reflect upon, to balance to stare reality in the face; how could I not do it? I need to pray, I need to spend time reading scripture, every day. I need to uphold every responsibility of mine ASAP, every homework assignment get done, every meeting, every job, every task, done as best as I can as soon as I can. No procrastinating, no laziness, every day. I need to workout, take care of my body, eat healthily, shower, shave, be clean, every day. These few things only take a small portion of time, 5 seconds here, 2 decisions there, but they make life so much more simply, balanced, whole. I need them. I need them because they are reality, and they are righteous things to do, and they are holy, and they are Godly, and they require discipline, obedience and love. We forget that responsibility, doing whats right, being honest, loving, working hard, are truth, are good and right and deserve our attention. These are Reality, These are God, These make you alive. They bring order to chaos, they keep us paying attention, they don't let us slip from the road, they don't lead us into ditches. We have to be there to perform them, we're paying attention. I don't want the front of happiness, wholeness, of healing. I don't want the "experience" of it. I actually want it. I actually want wholeness. It's these little things, all little things, the basic things of life that make it spiritual. Brushing my teeth, doing my homework, cleaning my room, talking to my roommates, celebrating, sorrowing, quietness, playing catch, making lists, working, sweating, saying prayers. If you really want it please take it, in all the little things, start fixing them. Take the time to stop swearing, stop smoking, eat an apple, make your bed, pick up trash, finish your homework, work hard, enjoy your friends, all the little things you never do....do them. You'll feel better. You won't worry so much. Big things will fall into place. Things that matter. If you handle a few coins well, many will be given to your trust. Start somewhere...with just one small thing. Put your shoes away, take out the trash, stop eating that junk. Write a journal. Stop, sit, think. Anything....it all matters, its all spiritual, it all counts.

1st Equality

I was reflecting on this idea of creation that I talked about in my last post and had some more thoughts. We are all created. Created equal, even those things that are not human share in the equality of creation. Just as I am created, so is the flower created, and even the soil that the flower is rooted in. Yet, I as a human am given dominion. It is not that I am better then the flower, nor that the flower is better then I, but that I am the 1st of many equals. The reason being, I think is that although the flower has life like I, it is different (lol, obviously its a flower, but...read on). We, the flower and I, are different because I can take in the flower, but the flower cannot take in me. I can lay upon the soil, covered with grass, and take it in the moment. To look out and see the color of the world, feel the warmth of the sun, float upon the stillness of water, and take in. I think this is what life is. The God I worship does not disconnect me with life, and no he is not an existentialist, nor am I. God does not give me some spiritual high where I become de-joined to what is created along side me, but closer too it. Colors become brighter, textures, life, I begin to see the soul in everything, God in everything, his created hand, touch, life and light. This is nephesh, this is the throat I have. I take in, I eat, drink, breathe, hear, see and live in God. The flower cannot do so, it does not have the nephesh I am given, it doesn't have the rational soul I have. I take in this God, this life, and it begins to fill my veins, reflect and shine out in my skin, and the glory of God shines forth from me, his Kavod comes in and out of me. I become as it says in the scriptures part of "the kingdom of priests" (Exodus 19:6). It is not that I become literally a priest, but I become a representative of God to all the world. I become further called out, given more kadosh, as it says earlier in verse 5 "Now therefore, If you will obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my own possession among all peoples; for all the earth is mine." This means I am given more kadosh, I become God's own possession. I am not greater then the flower because of this. Why? Because at the end of the day we are both created from nothing, and should not even exist, but for the grace of God we exist. A grace that existed long before the fall of man. Grace is not a reaction, it is not merely mercy to the sins I have committed, but has existed all along. Grace is action. Grace that is active, constantly active in the creative genius of God. The grace that happens when something is made from nothing. The flower has grace given to it like I because it too should not exist and does, the flower and I are created from nothing. We are called from the abyss. The flower and I have life and are moved into primordial light (goodness). I am first because of nephesh, but equal because of grace.

Genesis

The mythologies of all the world's people are designed to answer such questions as "Who are we as a people?" "How did we originate?” and “Where are we going?”

Read Genisis chapter 1:1

It’s an interesting story, the very beginning our faith, the first key into understanding the rest of the biblical text. A mythological story designed to remind us just exactly what we are.

Read Genesis 1: 1-5

Before all the earth we find that one thing exists, God. He is uncreated, un-begotten. His spirit is hovering over nothingness, chaos, the void, the deep or sometimes translated the Abyss. And As the spirit hovered above the waters, God called out, and his very Word (His logos, The Christ) begins to create. God said “Let there be light”; and there was light. Vs 3. We see Father, Son, and Holy spirit (Elohim) in harmony, each taking active roles in the creative genius of The God head. And what do they create? Light! And the light is good. And he calls it Day, and he separates it from the darkness, which he calls night. And God saw that it was good. (light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the first day.

Read Genesis 1: 6-8

So on the second day God begins to create and the things he creates are the waters of the earth, and the deep blue waters of the sky. And he calls this sky heaven. And God saw that it was good. (light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the first day.

Read Genesis 1:9-13

God separates the seas, and brings fourth dry land and this dry land brings forth plants and vegetation. Vs 11. “And God said, ‘Let the Earth put forth vegetation…’” And God saw that it was good. (light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the third day.

Read Genesis 1:14-19

And here God creates the sun to have dominion over the day, and moon to have dominion over the night, to separate the light from the darkness. And he puts them there to give light to the earth. And he creates stars to be signs for seasons and days and years. And God saw that it was good. (light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the fourth day.

Read Genesis 1: 20 -23

And God has the waters’ (Sky and Sea) bring forth birds and fish, and every living creature that swarms them and he tells them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters. And God saw that it was good. (Light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the fourth day.

Read Genesis 1:24- 25

And God has the earth bring forth all creatures that walk it and he tells them to be fruitful multiply and fill the earth. And God saw that it was good. (Light)

Read Genesis 1: 26-31

And finally after the rest of creation God creates Man. And he creates man and women in his own image. And he gives the dominion over every living thing, every creature of the sea, ever plant, every creeping thing. We are to subdue it and have dominion over it. And he gives us everything that carries the breath of life to eat. And God Saw everything and behold it was very good. (light) And there was evening (night) and morning (day) the 6^th day.

Now we’ve reached a point in this story where some explanation is due. Now the very first thing that God creates is Light and he “separates” it from the dark. The Hebrew word for separation is Kadosh. Kadosh means differentiation, to separate. All which is holy is separated from that which is not. Light is separated out from the darkness, it is called good. And from here forth everything that is created is called from the chaos, the abyss, the deep, the darkness and moved into the light. It is called out, set apart, given Kadosh. It is moved from Evening (darkness) to morning (light).

So here I am, a man, called out of nothingness, separated, set apart and placed into the light. I am moving from darkness to light. Evening to Morning.

The order of creation is interesting. The creation of those things that are not living goes as follows. They Sky and Seas, land and finally the Sun and Moon to which is given dominion and rule over material things. Then we have the order of those things living. Plants created first, then Birds and Fish, creatures of the earth and Finally Man. Man, who is given dominion over all. We are created in the image of God, both male and female, and we rest here as a half-bread between part earth and yet part sky, part angel and part animal, stuck right in the middle.

The story tells me at my very core rests Kadosh and Nephesh. Nephesh is the word for body, soul, creation, mind, spirit. I am separated from darkness because I am created by Kadosh. I am given life, because I have Nephesh. Nephesh is often translated soul, and more literally translated throat, but to the Hebrew the soul is everything, there is no distinction or division between my physical self (body) and my spiritual self (soul). Genesis teaches me that I am literally a throat for God. I receptical made solely to eat, drink and breathe in God. The story teaches that everything we do is spiritual, whether I eat four pancakes in the morning or three is spiritual. If I decide to study one more hour or hangout with my friends is a spiritual decision, because in my center I have kadosh, and nephesh. Immediately there is relationship between God and I, because I am made in his image I am granted Kavod (the Hebrew word for holy, weight or significance) and nephesh (life) from his breathe. Like a parent and a child, God uses kadosh to call me from, and teach me dark too light and through nephesh breathes into me his Kavod (light). And on The 7^th day we rest in the Kavod of God.

Success

Yesterday the on campus American Society of Mechanical Engineers held an event where a Systems Engineering Manager from the General Electric Company Spoke. The speaker was in town for his first year working on the Joint-Engineering Council at my school, and had some free time mid-afternoon to speak about his GE and his career path. The presentation was very good, he gave a general background of the GE company, the current departments and operations at GE, some specifics on the area he worked in (Aviation), specifics on what he worked with within GE Aviation, an overview of his career path, and then some advice on getting involved with GE, other corporations or what he felt was important if trying to climb the "corporate ladder." This was all fine and well, but it got me thinking about my own "career" path and life.

In highschool I was a good student, I didn't study much, got A's and B's and graduated with slightly higher then a 3.75 GPA. In highschool I was part of what's known as "The Acadamey of Finance." It was called a "shool within a school" that taught kids basic accounting skills, Macro and Micro Economics, Banking and the money supply and feds, and other basic economic ideas. It was an okay program but by no means "in-depth" or producing students of economic genious, but it sufficently gave students the opportunity to interact with business. Through this Academy I took part in Youth Business Adventure, a one week business camp during the summer, and was able to secure a paid intenrship with a CFO in town. Anyway I always felt confident, that I was able to communicate well, and I recieved much praise from business people and my peers for being exceptionally astute.

For along time I haven't felt this confidence, praise or sucess. It's like I went off to college, and am I no where living up to the expectations that were once held for me. I look at all the opportunities I've had to step up in leadership positions, to stand out and haven't. I feel frustrated and like a failure. Something burns inside me to standout, to do well, to be ahead of my peers, to rise above the rest or be on the cutting edge.

Talking with this speaker I felt green, unconfident, unsure. The speaker was nice, but I felt like he didn't care much about my questions, that he thought they were stupid, or ignorant. I wanted him to see the capabilities that I feel I have. I wanted him to see my communication skills, my leadership skills, my managing skills, and success. I quickly realized that I haven't displayed any of this. I am not involved with any on campus groups, I haven't been a good leader in the groups I've had, my GPA is lacking, I don't study or time manage well, and my resume sucks. I'm just frustrated. I look at some of my friends who look profesional, act profesional, are involved with many things on campus and using school opportunities to help shape and change campus. What do I do? I got class, and come back to my room....nothing. I want all this to change, but it doesn't happen over night. I'm caught in the "American Quick Fix Ideaology." Wheres the QVC 1-800 number, wheres the next wal-mart product that can make me profesional over night. Wheres the "buy your sucess now" internet add to solve my problems. I want change, I don't know where to start, and on top of it all I don't know where this drive to suceed comes from, or what pushes this wanting desire.

Barstool Tax Policy

Although this may have circulated in a few annoying chain emails. It has been posted on Greg Mankiw's Blog (A harvard ECON 101 prof). I am required for my Econ class to read his blog and make posts accordingly in an online discussion format with classmates. I thought this article was funny, as well as poignant, so please, enjoy. Plus, I'm in college, and drinking is always a great topic.

Barstool Tax Policy

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Nostalgia

I have to admit I found this on another much more famous bloggers site, but found a lot of humor in it....does anybod remember the great economic turmoil of 2004? I actually once watched a Nightly News Story on this by Dan Rather, poor Dan where did those dirty libs take you...only you reported the true problems of the Bush Admin, like off shoring....er...wait....

http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/business/16722848.htm